“Your life is a living prayer”.
One lady made this comment to me upon learning I walk on crutches, have four children, two of which are diagnosed with severe autism.
What she said touched me in a way because I haven’t looked at my life like that before. The truth of her words is a blessing. It made me see my life from a different perspective giving me strength to live each day with a purpose.
I love babies and kids since I was very young. Their energy and innocence draw me like a magnet. I always knew I wanted to have children of my own in spite of the resistance from my own parents, family, and some relatives.
Deep inside I believe I have what it takes to become a good mother— a nurturing spirit and great desire to share my love. Motherhood is a sacred calling and I was confident that I’m gonna be alright when that opportunity comes.
Eventually, I met a wonderful man and got married. In a span of 5 years I gave birth to 4 kids. Looking back now I wondered what I was thinking having kids in succession. I was probably too eager and super excited! But it was a good decision. I was able to bring them out into the world before my biological clock got wonky and prior to having all health issues I’m experiencing now. The timing was good.
It’s a fact of life that surprises do come and some of them turn your world upside down. I wasn’t spared. My middle kids, a girl and a boy, weren’t meeting their milestones. At age 4, my daughter wasn’t speaking nor making eye contact. She was absorbed into her own world. My son on the other hand was more social but he wasn’t talking either and engaged in self-injurious behaviors and aggression.
A year later, I found out they have autism spectrum disorder (ASD). It’s a form of intellectual and social impairment that affect their ability to function as individuals and interaction with the world. I was told they need constant care and supervision which may be for life. Like many parents, I was crushed when I heard the diagnosis.
Then came a deluge of questions and concerns which at that time was overwhelming. I am a disabled mother, walking on a pair of crutches. How on earth will I manage to care for these kids by myself? It was around this time that my husband was diagnosed with clinical depression as well. He was slowly withdrawing from life and left me on my own to deal with domestic duties and activities. I was scared and uncertain of the future.
I had the choice to wallow in self-pity or start doing something to make things better. The voices in my head goes, “Poor me! Why do I have disabled kids when I am disabled myself!”, “How is life gonna look like for us from now on?”, “This isn’t fair!”, “God, why are you playing such a cruel joke on me?”, “How will I ever manage building the perfect family I always wanted?”
It went on like that for a couple of weeks until I made a decision to accept this painful surprise. It took some time for me to finally recover from the initial shock. My gut told me I must carry on. I knew I had to be strong. My children need me. I can’t afford to lose this chance of fulfilling the most honorable role a mother can do — give absolutely everything in her power to ensure her kids will live the best life she can possibly give. I was determined to do that. The moment I fully accepted the truth, I started to heal from within.
Interestingly, help came and my faith has increased. “Ask and you will receive”. This spiritual truth manifested in my life in such a profound way. In order to get the right services for my autistic kids, evaluations and tests had to be done. I have never prayed as hard as those times drawing my strength from a Higher Power to guide me. The right people were sent my way. Within a couple of months, both kids started school and begin receiving therapy services. These sessions were meant to improve their skills and reduce problem behaviors.
Jas and Kev are now in their preteens and doing well while my two other neurotypical kids are thriving. Jas and Kev still don’t speak a single word but they learned to communicate in various ways. Just recently they learned how to use an Augmentative and Alternative (AAC) device. It’s basically an iPad with an app (TouchChat) that is programmed to speak when certain icons are tapped. It helped so much with reducing frustration and improving their communication skills.
It’s been a long journey so far. It’s exhausting at times, frustrating, and demands an incredible amount of patience and love. But what keeps me going is seeing my children making progress no matter how small. It gives me great joy to see them well, healthy, and happy.
Motherhood is a blessing and being a disabled parent caring for disabled kids has taught me to be grateful every moment. Every difficulty overcome is one step forward. I’ll continue to persevere and increase my faith that God has a purpose for my life and my children’s lives. I hope to be able to understand it fully one day.